Orty,
I am one of your many female readers and I have a question for you. I like this guy an awful lot and right now we are casual friends. He mentioned once that he was pretty good at fixing things, so seeing an opportunity, I asked if I could hire him to come over to my house and take care of a couple of odd jobs. Yes, it sounds cheesy and lame, but I really do have some projects that need done, and I figured if we hit it off in the process, all the better. Now it’s been a few weeks and he’s been over to my house a few times. I still think he’s cute but he hasn’t shown much interest in me. I’d kind of like to ask him out but he doesn’t seem to be very in to me, plus I’ve discovered he’s not much of a handyman. He’s done crappy work on everything he’s come over to fix, and I’m out some money. Help me, Orty. What should I do?
- Doorless in Sioux Falls

Dora the Explora,
First off, I tip my hat to you for thinking like a guy. Coming up with some flimsy story to lure your prey over to your lair is right out of the man textbook. For this, I award you an honorary set of testicles. Little tip though, be careful about bringing them to your own dojo. If they turn weird, they know where you live. Anyway, UnHandy Andy seems like a bad investment for any job you might have in mind. Always steer clear of someone who says he’s good at something and really isn’t. If this apprentice can’t handle his tools, it’s time to can him and move on to a master craftsman.

Hey Orty,
I’m so confused and I need your help. I finally got up the nerve and asked my longtime girlfriend to marry me. There was this long pause and she said she’d think about it. It’s been a few weeks and no answer yet. Should I ask her again?
- B. Larson, Groten

Grand Larceny,
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: when it comes to life-changing questions, you have to think like an attorney in a courtroom: never ask a question you don’t already know the answer to. Maybe you thought this was a sure thing, but your lady’s no-answer is all the answer you need. You may be a comfortable old shoe for her relationship-wise, but clearly she doesn’t see you as marrying material. Do both you and her a big favor: cut the cord and move on. If she don’t know by now, she ain’t never gonna know. Don’t waste any more valuable time trying to close a sale on a vacant lot.

Orty,
I watched the new American Gladiators and I’m thinking of trying out as a contestant. What do you think?
- Marty J., Crooks

Not So Smarty Marty,
I got a better idea. If you want to get beat up by a bunch of no-talent steroid freaks, why not just go down to Spring Training and heckle the Yankees?

Orty out.