Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: Men aren’t afraid of the dark.

John asked his wife, Mary, what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asked.
“Not really,” said Mary.
“Well, how about a new sports car?” said John.
“No,” she responded.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggested.
She again rejected his offer. “Well, what would you like for our anniversary?” John asked.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answered Mary.
“Sorry, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” said John.

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil,” she responded.
Taking off his hat he said “Pleased to finally meet you sir,” “I married your sister.”

At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you looking for?”
The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. “I’m thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package.”
“Hmm,” says the interviewer. “Well, what would you say to five weeks of vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years — say, a Porsche?”
The engineer gapes and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
“Yeah,” replies the interviewer, “but you started it.”