February has got to feel cheated. While previous months bask in the glory of their holidays, February must feel like a turd in a taco shell. Think about it. It’s not enough that February gets shorted on days. Oh, sure, we throw it a bone every four years, tossing in an occasional 29th day, hoping it will, once again, gloss over its inadequacies, but, even on a decent leap year, February still finds itself twenty-four hours painfully short of a full month.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t mercilessly taunted by some of the other months. December – fat and bloated with twelve full days of Christmas, Pearl Harbor Day, and New Year’s Eve, leaves February out of almost every important social function.

January is like the schoolyard bully’s loudmouthed friend, inadequate on its own, but since it’s so close to December, it feels the need to justify hanging around all the time. And so it happens. Unable to kick the bottle after New Year’s Day, and weeks into another alcohol binge, once again, January tries to pick a fight with February.

“Hey! February! What’s on the calendar this, supposed, month?”

February groans and rolls its eyes.

“Shut up January, you’re drunk.” Says August. “Pay no attention, Feb.”

But January persists.

“C’mon Mr. Valentine. I see they’ve added Elmo’s birthday to your calendar of events. Goodness, how can you hold that and Groundhog Day in the same month?” It says sarcastically. “You must be bursting at the…” WHUMP!

(January trips and falls over its own 16th day — the anniversary of Prohibition. The other months laugh and point, especially March, having done the same thing on St. Patrick’s Day last year.)

February does, of course, have some fine things. It’s Black History month, and we celebrate Abraham Lincoln’s birth on the 12th, as well as President’s Day on the third Monday of the month. But February has some really, really bizarre stuff going on as well.

The 11th is White T-Shirt Day, apparently, so everybody can tell what you ate for lunch. The 20th is Hoodie Hoo Day. What’s a Hoodie Hoo you ask? On this day, perfectly sane people are expected to go outside at noon, wave their hands over their heads and chant “Hoodie-Hoo.” It’s supposed to chase winter away. Right.

If it really works, I’ll bet it pisses off the groundhog, who was supposed to get the job done much earlier. And – although it has to split the holiday with August 22nd — February 28th is National Tooth Fairy Day. Hey, if the Easter Bunny gets a day, why not the tooth fairy? Go ahead, take her to lunch. Buy her a hunk of taffy, a Slow Poke, and all the sugary soft drinks she can hold. She’ll make money off it in the end. Plus, did you know that the 24th is National Tortilla Chip Day? Well, now you do. And you have to work.

The Cartwright Brothers have been entertaining crowds for over 18 years. They’re currently at a hotel in Oberlin, Kansas, looking for cranberry juice.