In 1932, famous mobster Bugsy Siegel was desperate. After getting caught elbow deep in company funds at the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas, he was on the outs with prominent crime syndicate officials Lucky Luciano, Meyer Lansky and Frank Costello. The FBI wasn’t too fond of him either. This put Bugs in a tight spot. He needed to get out of town, fast, but where does a famous mobster go to lie low?

As you know this is where the story becomes legend. Siegel escaped to Law-Abiding-Citizens, SD. He figured it was the last place anybody would look for him. Unfortunately, after the famous hooligan’s arrival, in order to capitalize on the unexpected twist, town officials voted to change the name of Law-Abiding-Citizens to Crooks. They thought it would draw more tourists to the area. This, as you probably already know, was the beginning of the end for Bugsy. Crooks was actually the first place that the syndicate looked for their blacklisted friend. They whacked him just outside of Critter’s Bar & Grill on Main Street, or so I was told.

Now, I’m not here to tell you what to believe. I’m just here to do my job, which in this case is to travel, not for my own amusement, but for the benefit of mankind. Curious and naive like a young Elliot Ness, I wonder, what do men in their prime do for kicks in the lesser-populated places of Middle America?

I don’t pretend to know a lot about history, or philosophy, or important stuff in general, but I know pizza. This being the Prime Pizza Pages edition, I figured it was time to test my knowledge on this little pizza haunt in Crooks that everyone talks about — Critters Bar & Grill.

You’ve heard the old real estate cliché about location. Well this applies to pizza dives too. Any pizza slinger worth his ‘roni does so downtown. It’s sort of an unwritten rule, but I just wrote it. Ray’s Pizza in New York, Zio’s in Omaha, Buffalo Alice in Sioux City, Pizza King of Brookings, Skipper’s in Madison – they’re all located downtown. This is also true of Critters in Crooks. So far so good.

Country music bid us a fond howdy-do as we stepped into the dimly lit hideout. I had never heard the song before but I sort of liked the lyrics. “Brother Hagg wouldn’t stand a chance on today’s radio.” That may be true, but I’m going to guess that they would welcome Brother Hagg with open arms at Critters.

In most circumstances, I don’t go for a waitress that uses a pet name like ‘hun’ or ‘sweety’ when waiting on me. It’s just annoying. You know it. I know it. It gives me a Cheerio just thinking about it. But remember, this rule only applies to waitresses that work in Suburbs or restaurant franchises. Waitresses that work in Crooks can call you whatever they want.

They know this rule well, and they take full advantage of it. The frizzy haired lady behind the bar at Critters called me ‘babe’ and I liked it, a lot.

Critters scored well in the game department. Their collection includes Big Buck Hunter, Electronic Darts, Bag Toss Pro and every bowler’s digital companion, Silver Strike.

As for the pizza, I’d give it 3.75 out of 5 ‘ronis. The crust was flaky. They were liberal with the cheese. It was fresh, hot, and they asked a fair price. I could give you a more detailed examination but I’d rather you just go check it out for yourself. But when you do, make sure you bring some extra cash. Big Buck Hunter is addictive, even for dudes that prefer vegetarian pizzas.

That’s all from Crooks, next stop – Estelline.