Prime once sent me to Hot Springs, SD to write a column about the Miss South Dakota Pageant. Always the company man, I obliged. Now I hate to bore you with details from stories past, but please, humor me just this once.

In said article I wrote about a rock climbing ex-con who I met at a place called The Bar. Like most Hot Springs men, he spoke the language of beauty pageant fluently, proclaiming that Miss Capital City had the crown in the bag. Citing her hair color, her sequin evening gown and her vocal quality as evidence, he made a convincing argument.

Now then, fast forward 8 months, I’m on assignment at the Sioux Empire Farm Show’s Breeding Heifer Showcase, and the similarities between the two events are beginning to startle me.

Across the dusty roads of Eastern Dakota and beyond, I travel, not for my own amusement, but for the benefit of mankind. Committed to solving a riddle that trails me with the ferocity of a Charolais bull, I ponder, what do men in their prime do for kicks in the lesser-populated places of Middle America?

Now listen, before you fly off the handle and email the editor about how we’re being insensitive toward women, or heifers, or Italian cuisine, or what have you, allow me to explain. I was not suggesting that Miss SD pageant contestants share common ground with common bovine. Who told you that preposterous hypothesis? Did Steve tell you that per chance? For the record, I believe that South Dakota is home to the most intelligent, most beautiful, most awesome women in all of the land. Now let’s talk about heifers.

The primal, small town male avoids watching beauty pageants at all cost, yet he flocks to the Sioux Empire heifer pageant like Centerville high-school students flock to the Beresford loop. And yes, these type deals are very much like pageants. You see sequin, and bright lights, and walking around in circles, and if you’re lucky, you’ll even see a few jailbirds. Of course, you may find it odd, but trust me it isn’t. After experiencing this type of deal first hand, I completely understand.

You’ve never seen a heifer until you’ve seen a souped up, tricked out, chemically-enhanced farm show heifer. You could be an animal right’s advocate from New Delhi and it wouldn’t stop you from gawking at the beautiful display of animal science. Sure, it’s unnatural. Cows aren’t supposed to have toy poodle-like coats. Black angus heifers aren’t meant to be spray painted black, so they look even blacker. Do you realize what these animals are fed by the way? It’s a hormone cocktail that would make Roger Clemens, Roger Clemens’ wife, and maybe even Roger Clemens’ kids second-guess their moral code.

Even so, beneath the bright lights of the Expo Building at the W.H. Lyon Fairgrounds it just doesn’t matter, those heifers put on one hell of a show. Even Miss #655, the contestant that came in last, received high praise from the judge.

“A bit too light in the rear but still, that’s a good useful kind of cow.”

That’s all from Cow Town, next stop – Estelline.