Unless you’re Julius Caesar, there’s really no reason to beware the Ides of March. I look forward to the month as much as any on the calendar, I really do. It signifies to me, that I have indeed, made it through another winter. I know it’s still cold. I know we typically get more snow in March than in any other month. I know, that in South Dakota, we may well receive snow in May. But I love March.

Easter is magnificent. If there’s ever a day to celebrate, it’s the resurrection. But looking beyond that, March, like the rest of the months of the year, has some very strange “holidays.”

The month starts out with National Pig Day. On this day, we are supposed to honor an animal who smells, wallows in mud, and can’t look skyward. And why not? They taste terrific.

Skip forward a couple days, and it’s National Anthem Day. Go ahead, sing it. Just spare the rest of us, and do it in the shower. March 14th brings us the glory of Potato Chip Day. The potato chip has been around for a few hundred years. However, it was not, as you might think, invented by a guy named Chip. His name, interestingly enough, was George Crum. Rumor has it, he would have liked to have named his invention after himself, but “crumbs” was already taken, and he didn’t think anyone would eat something called “Potato Georges.”

The fifteenth brings us the Ides of March. Julius Caesar was assassinated on this day, which to me indicates that Caesar most likely was an obnoxious drunk, and none of his flunkies wanted to deal with his crap on the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day. You think it’s easy keeping a Roman dictator on a bender from tearing off his toga at an Irish pub? It’s not.

The twenty-fourth brings us the nonsensical National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day, apparently so those damn chocolate covered peanuts might shut their traps. The 25th is Major League Baseball’s Opening Day. The 27th is Fly A Kite Day, and the 28th is… I kid you not… Weed Appreciation Day. Celebrate however you see fit.

I’m getting ahead of myself here. I forgot to mention that the sixteenth is, Hiccup Day. On this day, you, and all your friends are supposed to plug your nose, hold your breath, stand on your head, and drink a glass of water while somebody explodes a paper sack behind your back. Do this, in celebration of random involuntary spasms of the diaphragm. Which, second only to the random classroom woody, is the worst thing that can happen to you in speech class.

The Cartwright Brothers have been entertaining crowds for over 18 years. They’re currently enjoying the meatloaf platter at a truck stop in Mason City, IA.