April Fools! Whatever. How many times have you wanted to strangle the annoying guy in the office who insists on pulling the yearly, lame, April Fools prank? Yes sir, it’s April in Sioux Falls — the time of year when you crank up your heater on the way to work, and then roll your window down on the way home, to enjoy the smell of April showers.

April Showers. Sounds like the name of a kinky porn star, doesn’t it? Perhaps that’s why April is “STD Awareness Month.” If you feel your STD is being ignored, perhaps this is a good time to sit down, and really get to know your STD. April is also “Alcohol Awareness Month,” which seems ironic. Chances are, if you had been aware you’d consumed so much alcohol, you wouldn’t have wandered off to that backwater brothel and picked up that pesky STD. Now for the really odd days of April…

Somebody somewhere decided that April 4th is officially, “Walk Around Things Day.” I kid you not. On this day, we are supposed to avoid problems and risks, by simply walking around the potential problem. For instance: If you’d only walked around that brothel…

They get dumber. April 6th – “Plan Your Epitaph Day.” I know this sounds silly at first, but it starts to make more sense when you think about it. Let’s face it; you may be the only person who has something nice to say about you when you die.

April 7th is “No Housework Day.” Celebrated once a year by most women, it is generally celebrated daily by most men, because we’re slobs.

Make sure and celebrate “International Moment of Laughter Day,” which is held on April 14th. On this day, you are instructed to inspire other people to laugh, and perhaps even wet themselves, thus insuring a good hearty guffaw for yourself. The exact time we’re supposed to laugh is not specified, but if you feel like being callous, do it just before midnight. That’s roughly the exact time the Titanic struck an iceberg back in 1912.

Onward to the second half of the month, we find that the 17th has been dubbed “Blah, Blah, Blah Day.” Even I had to shake my head at this one. The people who actually spent the time to go through the necessary channels and paperwork to push “Blah-Blah-Blah Day” onto our calendar are a special breed of human — one that needs to be mercilessly hunted into extinction.

“National Garlic Day” pops up on the 19th. This might as well be called “Nobody’s Getting Laid Today Day,” but I’m sure the people who gave us “Blah, Blah, Blah Day” are already working on it.
Finally, April ends its glorious reign on the 30th, by celebrating “Hairstyle Appreciation Day” on the same day as “National Honesty Day.” This leads to such great, honest compliments as, “I like your hair short honey. Now I don’t have to hold it while you throw up.” And, “Wow, Larry, nice ‘do! The strategic comb-over makes it look less like your ass hair migrated north.”

The Cartwright Brothers have been entertaining audiences for over 18 years. They’re currently at a pool bar in Puerto Vallarta, doing shots of almond tequila.