Orty,
I’m a pretty regular customer at one of the local hardware places. I’m in there two or three times a week, getting one thing or another, and while all the guys at the store are decent to me, they don’t go out of their way to help. Most of the time I don’t get much more than a “Hey Bill,” when I walk through the door. It wouldn’t bother me, except that every now and then I’ll be elbow deep in some project, so I’ll send my wife to get whatever do-dad I need from the store. When she comes home, all she talks about is how nice all the guys are down at the hardware store, how helpful they are, and how they damn near do backflips to make sure she’s got everything she needs. I don’t want to sound jealous (alright, I am) but how come she gets the red carpet treatment every time she shows up and I barely get a nod?
Bill S. – Sioux Falls

Bill-me later,
Hardware envy is a dangerous thing, Billy boy, but I hear you. You’ve been faithful, you’ve put in the time, and yet you get no love from the apron-wearers. It hurts. It hurts bad. But there are two things at the root of this. Number 1: you are a frequent tooler who clearly knows his junk. You have earned the respect of the nut and bolters at the store and they show it by leaving you the hell alone. Wear that honor with pride.

Number 2: your wife is a WOMAN. She doesn’t wear Dickies or smell like WD-40. Those part-jockeys may go days between chances to chat up somebody whose breasts didn’t come from a series of all-you-can-eat buffets. Your lady’s visit is the highlight of their day. Something you should remember when she wanders into your little store, get my drift?
Mr. Orty,
I was at the gym and wanted to read something while I worked out on the elliptical machine. Unfortunately, the pickings were pretty slim, so I grabbed a Cosmopolitan magazine and flipped through the pages while I did my time. I got done and went to put the mag back in the rack and this dude sees what I was reading and shoots me a look like I was Boy George. I don’t think I deserved that. Plus, there were a lot of great pictures of hot babes in the mag. How can that be bad?
Luke N. – Hartford

Lukey-loo,
Normally, the magazine selection at gyms is heavily weighted toward women. That’s why you should always bring your issue of PRIME with you (duh). But if you forget, it is perfectly acceptable to flip through one of the women’s mags. The photos you mention are outstanding and hey, it’s “fashion” so that makes you cultured instead of lecherous. Plus, it’s research. Read an article or two and you’ll gain valuable insight into the complex world of the female mind. Just stay away from the advice columns and you’ll be fine. As for the dude who shot you the fish eye, my guess is the look was more a comment on your “Welcome to the Gun Show” T-shirt than anything you were reading.
Orty,
I saw this on Animal Planet but they didn’t say why. How come sharks don’t eat lawyers?
Quint S. – Brandon

Squint,
It’s true. I think it has something to do with professional courtesy.
Orty Out!!