Hi Orty,
My wife is a great gal and I love her very much but over the last few years I’ve noticed that she has started to sprout some facial hair on her upper lip. It wasn’t a big deal at first but in the last couple of years it has become more noticeable - and between you and me - distracting. It’s not like she’s turned into a Wookie or anything. She’s still got it going on at 38. But the peach fuzz is starting to become peach fur. How can I bring this up without getting beheaded?
M. Barston - Sioux Falls

Handle-Barston,
You are on a slippery slope my friend. As women and men age, hair starts growing in funny places, and the bad part is it happens so slowly we don’t always notice it. She doesn’t realize she is sprouting lip fuzz any more than you notice the small rain forest developing in your ears. One good way to approach it is to acknowledge your own glass house first. Make a joke about how hair is growing out of someplace on your face it’s not supposed to (ears, nose, eyebrows). After she laughs, it will be easier to make the point that we all, ahem, get a little fuzzier as we get older. After that, she will run, not walk, to the closest mirror to check herself out. After an appropriate amount of time has passed, a thoughtful gift of a spa certificate from you will get the message across and the whiskers off your lady’s face. Yeah, it’s sneaky and underhanded but it sure beats smooching Rollie Fingers, huh, bub?

Orty,
A buddy and I were having an argument about golf protocol. He said that a foursome of players should always let a single play through, even on a Saturday. I told him he was crazy. When the course is juiced there is no point in letting singles play through. What’s the right play here, Orty?
G. Rabuck – Redfield

Daddy Rabucks,
You’ve got it nailed. First off, a course should never turn a single loose on a Saturday. Second, anybody who expects to play as a single on a Saturday is either stupid or incredibly arrogant. Either way, they shouldn’t get waived through. If they’re stupid, they’re a danger to everybody on the course. These are the kind of guys who hit their 3-wood into a group 150-yards ahead of them and after they brain somebody, say, “Sorry dude, I never hit it that good before.” The arrogant guy thinks the Red Sea of mediocrity should part so he can work on his “superior” game. If there is room ahead of your group, go ahead and let the dreaded Han Solos past, but if the course is loaded up, no way. Perhaps the time spent cooling their heels will help them examine their lives and determine why they have no friends.

Orty,
I hate to brag, but the other night I had a super hot babe hollering and banging on my hotel room door for hours. What do you think of that?
R. Harter - Harrisburg

Harter-hearing,
That’s great, but I hope you eventually let her out.

ORTY OUT!