Hi Orty,
I know it’s way out of fashion, but I still like wearing a fanny pack. I know it’s not cool, but they are so practical, I can’t make myself not wear it. I don’t have to stuff my pockets with a wallet, keys, and a phone. Plus it holds all my other stuff: lip balm, iPod, nail clipper, hand lotion, hair product, breath mints, cologne, etc.
Now I’m not running some nylon, day-glo bag straight from 1995. I’m talking a stylish leather number with a very mod designer label. It’s chic, practical, and just right for work or play. Orty, I think with your endorsement, the fanny pack could be on its way back, what do you say?
Jim R. – Sioux Falls

Jim-bag,
You know normally, I’m all for practicality. But if you’re waiting for my endorsement of the fanny pack, you’re going to be waiting until they’re wearing turtlenecks in hell. Let me explain by way of a little story. Adam and Eve were naked in the Garden of Eden because they had everything they needed. When they screwed up, God made them wear clothes, and with clothes came pockets, and with pockets came the need to put stuff in them. That’s the problem with fanny packs. With cute little bags comes the need to fill them with cute little stuff. And by filling them with unnecessary stuff, we lose our independence. Seriously, hand lotion and breath mints? Get hold of yourself. Keep going down this road and in about 6 months you will be signing up for a Brazilian wax. One other thing, don’t say “chic” or “mod” ever again.

Orty,
I love sports but hate ESPN. When it first started, I loved it because it was all about sports; you know scores, highlights, and some insight I couldn’t find in the daily paper. Now, it’s like watching open mic night at a small town comedy club. Every one of their so-called “personalities” believes they are the second coming of Henny Youngman. I’ve had it with the lame jokes, dopey banter, and cutesy tag lines. One more “Booya” and I’m going to blow chunks. And if you’re looking for coverage of any player or team that plays west of the Mississippi, you might as well forget it. I want my sports, but is it too much to ask to have it without the shtick?
C. Brokeneller – Sibley, IA

Broken-record,
I’m torn on this one because ESPN is much like the United States of America. It has its share of problems but when you look around, it’s still the best thing rolling, by far. I agree that it won’t be long before Carrot Top is hosting SportsCenter, but the fact remains, a 24-hour network devoted only to sports is an idea so divine, you’d expect to find it in the Bible somewhere. Judging from the fact that you were watching when ESPN began, I’m thinking part of your distaste is generational. We used to like MTV too when they just played videos. Today? Not so much. Make your peace with the network, my friend, and vote your conscience with your remote control. When things are really bad, remember back to the days when the only sports highlights seen on TV were brought to you by Jim Burt.

Hey Orty,
Why do people sing, “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” when they are already there?
R. Hatch – Viborg

Hatchmo,
This is one of the those eternal baseball questions that has no logical answer, much like “Who’s on first?” “What’s on second?” and “Why is Nick Punto still in the big leagues?”

Orty Out!