When June rolls around, it’s important to take a deep breath. Smell that? It’s frosting on your lapel, leftover from your buddy’s wedding cake. June brings us the wedding season, the season that brides dream about, and men sweat about. Heck, it may be your anniversary this month, a time to celebrate, or wish you had heeded your best man’s advice when he said, “Dude, you SURE you wanna marry her?” June not only brings us tons of weddings and anniversaries, but a whole stockpile of other reasons to celebrate.

June starts out with “Dare Day” on the 1st. This is a well placed holiday, as the warm weather keeps kids from sticking their tongues to the flag pole. Dare Day is also the day before “National Bubba Day.” Coincidence? I don’t think so. If you’re gonna dare somebody to do something really, really stupid, it’s nice to have a guy named Bubba handy. The third of June is “Repeat Day.” Again, this seems kind of practical. If Bubba was dumb enough to try it once…

Things start to take a swing away from Bubba on the 4th, which is “Hug a Cat Day.” I don’t care if you’re allergic, pick up a kitty and give it some love, no matter how aloof the cat is to your affection. By the way, it’s time to change the litter box.

The sixth brings us three – count ‘em – three reasons to celebrate. It’s “National Donut Day,” which is good enough all on its own, but it’s also “National Yo-Yo Day,” and “National Gardening Exercise Day.” If you don’t see the meaning in this, let me explain it for you: They’re trying to get your lazy, donut-snarfing ass off the couch, and outside, where you’re supposed to work up a healthy lather by playing yo-yo with your eggplant.

Speaking of the garden, the 16th and 17th are neatly wedged together. The 16th is “Fresh Veggies Day” and the 17th is “Eat Your Damn Vegetables Before They Get Rotten You Ungrateful Little Snot, There’s Lots of Kids Who Would Love to Have Such Fresh Food Day.” Okay, I embellished that one. It’s actually called “Eat Your Vegetables Day.” My parents were good at guilt and lecturing.

Think they can’t get any stranger? How about the 18th, when we observe “International Panic Day.” On this day, the entire international world as we know it should walk outside, scream that the sky is falling, then collectively crap our pants. Why they didn’t make the 19th, “Wash Your Underpants Day” is one of the major oversights of the month of June. Of course, some things were best left far apart. For instance: “National Hollerin’ Contest Day” which is on the 21st, is four full days apart from “National Catfish Day.” This keeps Bubba from scaring the fish when he yells.

The Cartwright Brothers have been entertaining audiences for nearly 226 months. They’re currently at a Mexican restaurant in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, making sophomoric jokes about the consistency of the beans.