Dear Prime Magazine,

Thanks for the tickets to the all new, 2008 El Riad Shrine Circus.

They say that the first one to catch a circus in a lie is a boy. The second one would probably be a really smart person like a hypnotist or a space ship builder. That rules most of us out. So even though I was once introduced to a monkey trainer at a wedding and tried unsuccessfully to get him to share trade secrets, this year’s Shrine Circus seemed pretty much legitimate. I especially liked Big Bo the Performing Pacaderm. The strong men routine gave me the willies at first. It sparked a flashback to 2nd grade when I signed up for the Com-Ed Wrestling Program; kind of awkward. Might I suggest a change in costume? I’ll share a few ideas on that subject as well as a few other subjects, but after I share a bit on another subject.

Prime Magazine trusts me with an important responsibility, to wander around. It’s a job that I take kindly to, not for my own personal enjoyment of course, but for the benefit of mankind. Notorious as a young Gareth Keenan I investigate, what do men in their prime do for kicks in the lesser-populated places of Middle America? This month’s answer: El Riad Shrine Circus.

I’m going to speak for all South Dakota Primal Men when I say that we don’t do sparkly tights. If you watch pro-wrestling, you don’t count, sorry. So even though the circus strong dudes could have squat thrust a Shetland pony, I’m going to suggest that a slight change in costume might help them better connect with their audience. Here’s a suggestion: overalls, long-sleeved flannel undershirts and work boots. Dress them up like really tough arm-wrestling truckers. Give them nicknames like Smasher or Grizzly and see what happens. People will come, dudes mainly. Trust me.

Moving on, did I miss something or did the Dominguez Extreme Riders turn soft? Seven crotch rockers buzzing around inside of a steel globe of death? Really? That’s all you got? I’ve seen more extreme stunts on Phillips Avenue. And just so you know, if you’re a crotch rocket guy that cruises around with a posse and pops killer wheelies, stop it. Back to the Dominguez Extreme though, I jotted down a few ideas that might help.

First, make the globe smaller and light it on fire. Next, throw nine crotch-rockers into the sphere, eight professionals and one guy from the crowd. If you’re one of those guys that cruises Phillips, this is your big moment. Now mix in the dancing girls, 50 of them or so. Maybe they enter stage right with Bo the Performing Pacaderm, not sure. Then, maybe you stage an accident, or an explosion, or a live wedding proposal, for the ladies of course. Lastly, do you have any tips on how I might fix my multi-color retractable lightsaber?

That’s it from the all new El Riad Shrine Circus, next stop: Estelline, SD.