Hey Orty,

I just turned 45 and I think it’s time for me to retire. Not from my job (wouldn’t that be great) but from competitive sports. I played competitive softball and basketball all through my 20s and 30s, but once my kids got a little older, I started coaching them more and playing less. Recently, a younger guy I used to play softball with asked me if I would fill in occasionally on their team. Last week I got the call, so I dug my glove and cleats out of mothballs and gave it the old college try. I played pretty well considering the rust, but the next day I was one big scab. My knees were killing me and my arm felt like I arm wrestled Kimbo Slice 50 times in a row. I loved playing but it didn’t love me. Is my body trying to tell me I’m done?

J. Strappe – Beresford

WhipperStrapper,

It’s not easy for old jocks to turn the page on their athletic life. For a lot of dudes, playing competitive sports is simply part of their DNA. Trouble is, time stops for no man, and as much as our minds and spirit want to keep playing, our tendons and ligaments tell us it’s time to move on. There’s no shame in it. Even Michael Jordan had to hang it up. But just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean it’s time to buy a mobility scooter and eat meals through a straw. Just pick your sports a little better. If you want to play softball, great. Find an over-40 league and obey the unwritten rules: no sliding, no diving, and no top-gear running. Play a game and then sit a game. Enjoy the aspects of sport where you are still world class - drinking beer and talking smart.

Hey Orty,

My girlfriend dragged me to see the Sex and the City movie. She loved the TV show and had already gone to the flick with her friends before making me go. I knew it was important to her, so I tried to keep an open mind, but after about 30 minutes I was not only bored but also kind of annoyed. Can’t put my finger on it, but these women, who my girlfriend idolizes, are like nails on a chalkboard to me. What’s the deal with that? I like my girlfriend, she seems to like me, but I find her heroes to be irritating.

F. Welbig – Sioux Falls

Mr. Big

I’m at a bit of a loss here as I’ve only seen bits and pieces of the show (mostly the dirty parts), but from what I understand, guys just don’t get the Sex and the City hub-bub. Gals love it because it shows women doing and saying anything they want, whenever they want. I believe the term is empowerment and that’s a good thing.

Think of it this way. The Sex characters are sort of the female equivalent of male action heroes. When women watch Sex and the City, it’s like you watching an old Steven Segal flick. When Samantha nails the UPS guy she just met without remorse, it produces the same sort of vicarious thrill in your girlfriend that you get from watching the pony-tailed one single-handedly bring down a drug cartel. Both situations appeal to the separate but equal senses of excitement and adventure men and women possess. In this, lies the reason why most guys don’t like the City show or movie (outside of the dirty parts). We are not women. We don’t get it and probably never will. Nobody accuses women of being sexist when they refuse to see Scarface or Reservoir Dogs. Therefore guys shouldn’t get beat up for skipping Sex in the City and Thelma and Louise. My advice is to not waste energy worrying about it. Be happy for your lady and next time you see her, and be sure to have your UPS costume on.

Orty,

Did you hear about the new doll called “Divorce Barbie?”

K. Reiser – Crooks

High Reiser,

Yep, I heard it comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

ORTY OUT