Like most people, I stare incredulously at the pump, trying to figure out why gas just went up, again. Ironic, don’t you think, that our Independence Day celebrations are tempered by our crippling dependence on foreign oil? Price of oil making you think twice about driving somewhere to celebrate this month? Don’t pout or fret my friend. Just walk down to the local liquor store, stock up on supplies, and hoof it home to celebrate the reasons to celebrate July.

July first is “Creative Ice Cream Flavors Day.” Grab some vanilla and go crazy. Use everything in the house to make your own, special, ice cream flavor. When you’re done, offer it to your roommate. When he asks what flavor it is, tell him, “Salt, Cilantro, Rum, Oregano, Tums, Underarms and Margarine. I call it “S.C.R.O.T.U.M. for short.”

The second is “I Forgot Day.” On this day, we’re supposed to make amends for something we did, and supposedly get away with it, simply by saying “I Forgot.” This is when you tell your roommate, “I Forgot to tell you. My dog pissed in your special ice cream yesterday.” (Warning: A brief scuffle may ensue.) The second is also “World UFO Day.” This is the anniversary of the famous Roswell incident. On this day the government is supposed to be pressured into finally confessing to your cousin, Stumpy, that a life form, which looks like us, and flies in a saucer, really did travel millions of years toward the planet earth, just so they could abduct HIM from his couch, study him, and return him to his original position without disturbing his television remote, overturning his chicken pot pie, or tipping the Hamms in his lap. Good for Stumpy.

The third is “Stay out of the Sun Day.” Not because Ra, the Sun-god of Heliopolis is necessarily evil. I think it’s more or less because your mother knows you’re probably going to spend July 4th outside, at a beach, and she doesn’t want you to burn yet. If you could put down the Xbox controller for a couple of hours on the weekend, you could actually have a base tan by now, so you wouldn’t have to worry about… Never mind, go play some Halo 3.

I just realized that the 11th belongs to you, Mr. Secluded-no-friends-because-all-you-do-is-play-video-games-guy. The 11th is “Cheer up the Lonely Day.” I think I’ll stop by and hang out with you on this day, in order to cheer you up. On second thought, you’re kinda creepy.

July 12th brings us the glorious “Different Colored Eyes Day.” Upset or afraid you won’t be able to join the celebration because your peepers are perfectly book matched in baby blue? A sharp pencil can fix that.
Finally, the 24th is “National Nude Day.” The only problem with a day such as this is that the people who want to get naked, are the ones you would never want to see nude. That includes you and your Xbox.

The Cartwright Brothers have been entertaining crowds for over 19 years. They’re currently sitting on a dock at Lake Okoboji, enjoying a bit of booze in their coffee.