I’d like to take this opportunity to make a retraction on a factual error of mine that slipped past the normally keen eye of the editorial staff here at Prime Magazine. On a side note, I’ve never checked my facts, and that’s why the staff and I agreed that I’m probably better suited for writing fiction. You know, made up stuff.
So, I’ll submit this one correction, and then we’ll all pretend that everything else I have ever submitted to this magazine in the past has been the absolute and unshakeable truth. While I’m at it, I should also include a disclaimer, considering I’m about to offend a potential advertiser.

Here goes: The opinions expressed in this article are mine alone, and should in no way effect anyone’s decision in regard to placing beautiful, glossy, full-page color ads in Prime Magazine. I’d also like to state for the record that I have happily driven a Ford vehicle for many years, but display no product loyalty in my windows other than a faded white Apple Computer logo. No Calvin figures illustrating that I “piss on this,” and no bumper stickers stating that “my other car is that.” Hey, can you smell that? It’s foreshadowing.

Back in the August of 2006 issue, I stated that the Portland-based group The Dandy Warhols lent their song “Bohemian Like You” to the Ford Motor Company. What can I say? I saw the ad, I heard the song, I saw the car speeding across the screen in a quick-edit montage that would make your head explode, and I made an assumption. However, nothing could have been further from the truth. It was actually Chevrolet who incorporated this catchy little ditty into their clever marketing scheme.

My dependable Ford Motor Company chose instead to align their image with that silly, silver-haired “American Idle” karaoke winner who flailed about like the drunken uncle that rushed the stage just after the dollar dance at his niece’s wedding and grabbed the microphone to belt out a painfully bad version of the Sam & Dave classic “Soul Man.” Way to target that youth market, Fordo!

Good luck to that silly, silver-haired “Idle Guy” though. He’s got about thirty seconds left in Andy Warhol’s fifteen-minute “money-grab machine.” P.S. Bo Bice called and said that he wants to get together and “jam” tomorrow. I have a feeling that both of these factory-dipped flavors of the month, which the music industry repeatedly crams down our throats, will now have plenty of free time to jam. Here are a few songs for their playlist:

“Stranger Than Fiction” Bad Religion
“Stranger Than Fiction” The Bad Examples
“Proof Positive” The Leatherwoods
“The Truth” John Wesley Harding
“Lies” L.L. Cool J and/or Too Much Joy
“Bohemian Like You” The Dandy Warhol’s
“Won’t Get Fooled Again” The Who
“Fame” David Bowie
“Soul Man” Sam & Dave
“Vehicle” Ides of March
“Do I Make You Proud?” Taylor Hicks (Is that a rhetorical question, or shall I reply?)
“White and Lazy/Hootenanny/I Hate Music” The Replacements

by Hugh Mermey