Hi Orty,

I was out and about a couple weeks ago and I actually got into a fight. Not a shouting match, mind you, but a real honest to goodness, punches thrown, fight. I hadn’t been in one since I was 19 and that was a long time ago. The other guy was drunk and really obnoxious. I tried not to rise to the bait, but before I knew it, we were rolling around on the ground, flailing away. Luckily, I escaped with mostly just bumps and bruises, but I sure felt stupid afterward. I thought I was way past this stage, but apparently I’m not. How could I have avoided this?
C. Langston – Beresford

Clubber Lang,

You don’t give a lot of detail about how your throwdown started so it’s hard for me to be specific, but here’s some universal advice: whenever you’re out, if you see someone (man or woman) who is donkey drunk and acting stupid, treat them like they are a ticking bomb. Don’t point fingers, don’t make jokes, and don’t make eye contact. Just slowly but surely put some distance between yourself and the human grease fire. If you don’t, sooner or later, Mr. or Ms. Glug-Glug will detonate and you will get splashed with whatever nastiness is within them. And it doesn’t matter if it is a woman, because wherever there is a sloppy drunk gal wobbling around, an ornery and probably equally plastered boyfriend/husband/ex-husband is never far behind. Just avoid the drama and you’ll be fine. As Johnny Cochrane might have said, “If you do not engage, you cannot enrage.”

Hey Orty,

I took my girlfriend to a Twins game recently and everything was going well until about the third inning. Out of nowhere, she pulls a book out of her purse and starts reading it. I didn’t say anything – hoping she would put it away – but she kept on reading, paying zero attention to the game. I kept my mouth shut, but when we got to the car, I asked her who won and she smiled and said, ‘I don’t know. I was reading. I don’t like baseball that much. I just went to be with you.’ While I was super-honked that she basically wasted my ticket money, I have to admit, she softened me up by saying she only went to be with me. Is this acceptable girlfriend behavior, Orty?

M. Bochie – Colton

Bochie-balls,
Let’s put the shoe on the other foot. She takes you to the latest chic flick. Would it be acceptable to watch ESPN highlights non-stop on your phone? That would be a ‘No’ wouldn’t it? Either way, it shows a lack of consideration and ultimately respect. If you care about someone, a reasonable effort toward enjoying their interests is mandatory. Give her credit, though. She’s smart enough to Jedi mind trick you into thinking her disinterest is a good thing. Trotting out the old ‘I just went to be with you’ line, sheesh. Look pal, I can tell you’re a decent guy, so let me box it up for you: if she’s already mailing it in on something like watching baseball, it won’t be long before she goes AWOL regarding other more important activities you enjoy. She either needs to make the effort, or you need to turn the page on lady bookworm.

Orty,

At my last appointment with my psychiatrist, I showed up at his office completely naked and wrapped in cellophane. It didn’t seem to phase him but I wonder what his diagnosis will be?
Lou W.– Tea

Lou-ney Bin,

I’m no shrink, but I’ll bet your doc could clearly see you’re nuts.

ORTY OUT