August has an odor. Wafting through the thick, humid air comes the acrid smell of death. I’m talking about the end of summer. I’m talking about the smell of your own sweat, bulling its way past your cheap deodorant, and permeating your shirt, and the smell of back-to-school sales. Depending on whether you’re a student or a parent, that is either a foul smell, or it’s the most wonderful sound you could hear. “The First Day of School.” It almost sounds like a holiday doesn’t it? If that one doesn’t drive you to drink, let’s dig further – through the dog days of August and beyond, to find some really great reasons to celebrate.

I love the fact that August is “Romance Awareness Month.” No matter what month it is, a man in his prime is certainly very, very aware if romance is near. Ladies call it attraction; we call it “sportin’ a chubby.” It’s not that we’re so much romantic, as we are horny. I’ve seen men who have no clue what romance is, try so hard at it, in the name of the distinct possibility… no, even the REMOTE possibility of getting lucky, that it makes for great humor.

You know the guy. He’s so enamored with some girl; he totally changes whenever she enters the room. One minute he’s Mr. Eat-Nails-For-Breakfast, pushing Jag Bombs on you, while he pounds shots of whiskey and hits on the waitress, the next minute she walks into the room. Before you know it, Mr. Eat-Nails has gone soft and cuddly. Suddenly, he’s sharing an ice cream drink, and speaking in a voice that neither you nor any of your friends recognize, as he laments the fact that she didn’t come over to watch Oprah with him. Like I said, you know the guy.

August 6th is “Wiggle Your Toes Day.” Apparently, people aren’t exercising their toes enough. I know that there isn’t a “Wiggle Your Fingers Day.” We haven’t needed that holiday since the advent of the personal computer.

August 8th is “Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day.” Why do people plant so damn much zucchini? When I was young, our neighbors used to wait until we went to church on Sunday morning, then sneak over and leave half a dozen zucchini on our doorstep. These weren’t your average sized zucchini by the way. These things were more welcome as the head of the alien in a sci-fi flick than they were on a dinner plate. We usually dropped them from high distances just to watch them explode. It made for good sport.

The 25th is “Kiss and Make Up Day.” Generally speaking, guys need this holiday to happen more than once a year. The argument may not have even been your fault. It may have been your wife’s fault that you called your Mother-in-law a nosey, fat, hunch-backed, camel-faced, hooker. Okay probably not. It doesn’t matter, because once she cuts you off, you’re going to have to make the decision: Begging, or apologizing. Take advantage of Kiss and Make Up Day, and you might get forgiven for a couple months worth of screw ups. Or you might get lucky, Mr. Eat-Nails.

Mark Cartwright

The Cartwright Brothers have been entertaining crowds for over 19 years. They’re currently traveling in the minivan, taking Rorschach tests with splattered windshield bugs.