The great territorial debate goes on. And this month’s article only makes it more difficult to choose sides. The question, of course, which side of South Dakota, East or West, provides a more stimulating environment for good times? Being the foremost expert in the field of good times, we at Prime decided to head out and settle the dispute once and for all.

By now you know the drill, Prime Magazine trusts me with the important responsibility of aimlessly wandering around. It’s a job that I take kindly to, not because its enjoyable, but because you need someone out there exploring on your behalf, learning the hard way, so you don’t have to. So, as curious as a young Mikey Walsh I investigate, what do men in their prime do for kicks in the lesser-populated places of Middle America? This month we may have bit off more than we can chew as we set out for the tourist mecca of Eastern Dakota, the Tri-State Marker.

Native of Eastern South Dakota and master of the terrain, I relied solely on my internal compass to guide me toward yonder marker. ‘You don’t need a map to find Mt. Rushmore, or Wall Drug, or the friggin’ Cosmos Mystery Area, right? Of course you don’t. They’re national treasures. You just follow the hi-way signs. And if that doesn’t work, you follow the huge-mungous line of tourists. Trust me, we’ll find it.’

Locating the exact point at which Minnesota, Iowa and South Dakota collide is more difficult than it may sound. It requires sophisticated tools of navigation, a map per chance, and a miracle. We arrived at the monument in just a shade less than 2 hours. Lucky for us, it took less than a second to realize that the holy grail of tourism is most definitely worth the trouble.

Custer State Park uses prairie dogs and buffalo and those wild donkeys to lure people in, Deadwood uses that whole casino thing, Keystone relies mainly on the Presidential Slide and the greater Black Hills National Forest uses nature’s beauty and what not. The Tri-State Marker takes a much more subtle approach: a herd of tuba players 10,000 strong. Seriously, you’ve never seen so many tuba players, big ones, blasting out most righteous jams by the Kinks, the Who, Queen and Guns & Roses. And it gets better – each one of them shoots a different kind of entrée out of their tuba. One guy shoots bratwurst, another guy shoots cheese curds, others blast out steak tacos, corn dogs, pizza, meatballs, fried chicken, ice cream sundaes, etc…You name it. They shoot it out of their tubas. Then, once you’ve eaten so much that you can hardly stand it, the tubas part and out pops a famous recording artist to perform a free concert. I saw Jay Z perform a set with Justin Timberlake and the ghost of Freddy Mercury. I’m not making this stuff up. Four words: Greatest Tourist Trap Ever. I just wish our photos had turned out.

That’s all from the Tri-State Marker, next stop: Estelline, SD.